1. Work with them. If your boss is flirting with you, that's not sexual harassment, it's a sign you were meant to be together.
2. Go on a cross country road trip, write a novel, work on a newspaper article, write a song, or work on a school project with someone you hate. Eventually, after spending enough time together, you will both realize (probably at the exact same time) that the "hate" you initially felt was really "sexual tension."
3. Move back to your hometown. That guy/girl who annoyed you in high school is the one you've always wanted. This works especially well if you live in the deep south, like Texas or Alabama.
4. Get married. Look around your wedding reception at who might be out there. Your new husband/wife's brother, sister, best friend, cousin, florist, or wedding planner is really the one you want.
5. Hire someone to pretend to be your boyfriend/girlfriend in order to impress some other guy/girl. Pretty soon, the "pretending" will get to be too annoying, and you will both just instantly fall in love.
6. Find something you're good at - dancing, spelling, writing, soccer, football, what have you. Teach it to the kid from the wrong side of the tracks. Your forbidden love affair will provide all the heart necessary to win the dance off, soccer game, or whatever else you're trying to accomplish.
7. Join a team that plays a sport you were never sure if you were good at or not. Your coach will find you so talented, he/she will be instantly smitten. The adrenaline caused by these feelings will make you a better player.
8. Write letters, emails, text messages or cryptic notes to someone you don't know. You will eventually realize that you are soulmates.
9. If you're gay, make sure your parents find out and send you to one of those "straighten you out" facilities. There are lots of other sexually frustrated gay kids there, and you're bound to find the one who truly understands your plight. If you're straight, well, you're shit out of luck on this one.
10. If you're a nerdy high school kid, find a boy/girl willing to take you under their wing and show you how to be popular. This usually involves acquiring some contact lenses and a hair straightener. Once you're made yourself pretty, the boy/girl will realize how special you truly are - now that you can toss your hair like the rest of the pretty girls.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
"The Secrets" at Outfest
Outfest, the LA gay and lesbian film festival, opened yesterday. I went tonight to see one of the features, an Israeli drama called "The Secrets."
"The Secrets" is set in some godforsaken religious enclave tiny town in Israel, where bookish Naomi is a student at a women's seminary. Right from the beginning, I made a note to myself to look up whether these seminaries actually exist. It seems like creating a women's seminary is the antithesis of the teachings of Orthodox Judaism, so I wondered whether the entire movie was supposed to be set in this kind of fictional fantasy world. Nevertheless, whether it's based on real life or not, the film does transport you effectively into it's world, with an ethereal, sort of fairy tale quality to it. These girls live in dorm rooms that look like they belong in an old Scottish castle, in a town where the cobblestone streets look too narrow for cars, and hanging laundry blows in the wind everywhere you look.
ETA: The more I think about it, the more I'm remembering that these seminaries do exist - it's where they send girls who made it through high school without getting married, so they can kind of buy time while their parents set them up with husbands. Even so, whether or not it's based on a real thing didn't really matter in the film.
Naomi is a smart, bookish introvert, and her way of mourning her mother's recent death is to convince her rabbi father to send her to seminary so she may spend more time studying before she enters into her arranged marriage. Enter Michelle, Naomi's exotic French roommate, who sweeps in yielding a cigarette and fancy cell phone. Though Naomi is at first put off by Michelle's snobbery, the two become fast friends when they are assigned to take care of a dying French woman named Anouk who supposedly murdered her lover. From there, the film becomes even more fantastical as it delves into healing rituals, Kabbalah, and semi-pornographic French art. A particularly memorable scene occurs when the girls, along with their roommates from the peanut gallery, take Anouk to a mikvah (ritual bath) in order to begin the cleansing ritual that will eventually lead her to heaven. Though the scene was still effective within the world of the film, I couldn't help but think of every tween movie slumber party where the kids go nuts with a Ouija board.
From there, the two girls only fall more in love with each other, all while discovering all kinds of Jewish spiritual guidance and getting more and more frustrated with their limited role in the religious community. Without giving away too much, suffice it to say that given those discoveries in the first two acts, the film looks promising... until the the third act, when it kind of backtracks, leaving the characters in almost the same place they were when the movie began. The girls' romance ends up defined by one eventful sleepover and a few stolen kisses, but ultimately leaves the audience cold. By the end of the film, Naomi's previously guarded heart is sufficiently broken in many ways, but after one good, much needed cry, she doesn't seem to care much at all. The film lives up to it's name in that "The Secrets" remain secrets long after the film ends, which in this case, made me wonder why I had just sat through two hours of it.
Aside from the ending, though, the film was enjoyable, as were all of the performances, even though the directing left much to be desired. To be honest, if this were an American movie, I think it would probably be relegated to Lifetime. However, the fact that it's Israeli, and that it delves into the world of Orthodox Judaism lends it a little more credibility. The soundtrack was beautiful as well, and really fit with the tone of the film.
ETA 2: According to the film's website, the music featured in the film is all liturgical Hebrew prayers. According to Orthodox Jewish law, women are not supposed to sing so they're heard, because it induces sexual desire. The choral arrangements of the Shabbat prayers, wedding songs, etc. featured in the film are all-female choirs, which has apparently never been recorded before. I thought it was beautiful, and am trying to figure out if I can download some of the songs, but no such luck so far.
"The Secrets" is set in some godforsaken religious enclave tiny town in Israel, where bookish Naomi is a student at a women's seminary. Right from the beginning, I made a note to myself to look up whether these seminaries actually exist. It seems like creating a women's seminary is the antithesis of the teachings of Orthodox Judaism, so I wondered whether the entire movie was supposed to be set in this kind of fictional fantasy world. Nevertheless, whether it's based on real life or not, the film does transport you effectively into it's world, with an ethereal, sort of fairy tale quality to it. These girls live in dorm rooms that look like they belong in an old Scottish castle, in a town where the cobblestone streets look too narrow for cars, and hanging laundry blows in the wind everywhere you look.
ETA: The more I think about it, the more I'm remembering that these seminaries do exist - it's where they send girls who made it through high school without getting married, so they can kind of buy time while their parents set them up with husbands. Even so, whether or not it's based on a real thing didn't really matter in the film.
Naomi is a smart, bookish introvert, and her way of mourning her mother's recent death is to convince her rabbi father to send her to seminary so she may spend more time studying before she enters into her arranged marriage. Enter Michelle, Naomi's exotic French roommate, who sweeps in yielding a cigarette and fancy cell phone. Though Naomi is at first put off by Michelle's snobbery, the two become fast friends when they are assigned to take care of a dying French woman named Anouk who supposedly murdered her lover. From there, the film becomes even more fantastical as it delves into healing rituals, Kabbalah, and semi-pornographic French art. A particularly memorable scene occurs when the girls, along with their roommates from the peanut gallery, take Anouk to a mikvah (ritual bath) in order to begin the cleansing ritual that will eventually lead her to heaven. Though the scene was still effective within the world of the film, I couldn't help but think of every tween movie slumber party where the kids go nuts with a Ouija board.
From there, the two girls only fall more in love with each other, all while discovering all kinds of Jewish spiritual guidance and getting more and more frustrated with their limited role in the religious community. Without giving away too much, suffice it to say that given those discoveries in the first two acts, the film looks promising... until the the third act, when it kind of backtracks, leaving the characters in almost the same place they were when the movie began. The girls' romance ends up defined by one eventful sleepover and a few stolen kisses, but ultimately leaves the audience cold. By the end of the film, Naomi's previously guarded heart is sufficiently broken in many ways, but after one good, much needed cry, she doesn't seem to care much at all. The film lives up to it's name in that "The Secrets" remain secrets long after the film ends, which in this case, made me wonder why I had just sat through two hours of it.
Aside from the ending, though, the film was enjoyable, as were all of the performances, even though the directing left much to be desired. To be honest, if this were an American movie, I think it would probably be relegated to Lifetime. However, the fact that it's Israeli, and that it delves into the world of Orthodox Judaism lends it a little more credibility. The soundtrack was beautiful as well, and really fit with the tone of the film.
ETA 2: According to the film's website, the music featured in the film is all liturgical Hebrew prayers. According to Orthodox Jewish law, women are not supposed to sing so they're heard, because it induces sexual desire. The choral arrangements of the Shabbat prayers, wedding songs, etc. featured in the film are all-female choirs, which has apparently never been recorded before. I thought it was beautiful, and am trying to figure out if I can download some of the songs, but no such luck so far.
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