5 "Lesbian Movies" which aren't really Lesbian Movies

If you're like me and you're suffering from frequent unemployment, an inability to afford premium cable channels, and a general bitterness towards of all the reality shows and reruns we've been subjected to during the strike, here are some craptastic films that can be easily found on basic cable, and usually more than once a day. These are movies that will warm your queer heart, but you won't find them on Logo or at Outfest. Instead, you can find them on USA, TBS or TNT running on a loop for an entire Sunday.

None of these films are actually about lesbians, and they usually don't even mention lesbians at all, but they still manage to appeal to our gay sensibilities. They all feature a barely-there plot, usually about a naive girl who is "saved by" something ridiculous, like surfing, singing, or her math teacher. They mostly include an on again/off again romance with some boy who is inevitably going to help the girl be "saved" by whatever she's going to be saved by. And they all include at least one young, cute movie star... before they were movie stars, drunks, or both.



1. Blue Crush. Girls in bikinis. Michelle Rodriguez. Water. Lots of it. Some kind of surfing contest. Did I mention Michelle Rodriguez in a bikini?



2. Coyote Ugly. Logic and common sense seem to dictate that this should not be a movie lesbians (or women at all, actually) like. Naive girl moves to big city, virtually becomes a stripper, meets a boy, without whom she would not end up with the singing career she ends up with at the end of the movie. All the rules of feminism dictate that we should not like this movie. Yet... it's a craptastic joyride of a movie for lesbians everywhere. There's something about that wide-eyed ingenue (played by Piper Perabo, who later went on to star in that fine lesbian classic, Imagine Me and You) surrounding herself with debauchery and semi-nudity that gets me every time. Oh, and did I mention the scene(s) where the girls all "dance" on the bar to "Pour Some Sugar on Me?" Klassy.



3. Mean Girls. What is it with lesbians and this movie? Is it the idea of Lindsay Lohan as a teenager in a push up bra? (I hope not.) Is it because, as women who were once teenage girls, we unwittingly relate to this movie in ways no one wants to admit? Although it's frequently lumped in with the rest of the high-school-movie genre, I find that this particular flick has slightly more intelligence, depth, and well, hotness. And there's a reason for that: Tina Fey. Her character is a great dorky predecessor to Liz Lemon, and Fey is absolutely charming as the math teacher who saves high school. Forget the boy in this one - Tina Fey is the real heroine in this movie.



4. Bring it On. "I'm sexy, I'm cute, I'm popular to boot. I'm bitchin', great hair. The boys all love to stare. I'm wanted, I'm hot. I'm everything you're not. I'm pretty, I'm cool. I dominate the school." I didn't do that from the top of my head. I swear. Cheerleaders, catfights, bitchy high school wackiness, what more could you ask for? Eliza Dushku as the rebellious, somewhat dykey anti-cheerleader who has frequent sleepovers with Kirsten Dunst? Done.



5. Bend It Like Beckham. Girls playing soccer to the sounds of rollicking chick-pop, female friendship wackiness, and a non supportive family define the appeal of this movie. But when you dig a little deeper, it's the idea that Jess has to learn to be herself and not hide her, uh, soccer playing from her family anymore that makes this movie brilliant - what gay girl can't relate to that? The parallels are not lost on the filmmakers either, who peppered their screenplay with lots of silly "soccer player = lesbian" jokes. The best ones come from Keira Knightley's mother, who says things like, "All I'm saying is, there's a reason why Sporty Spice is the only one without a fella!" Plus, no matter your sexual preference, there's no denying how cute Jonathan Rhys Myers is.

Ode to "South of Nowhere"

Since I don't write poetry, I guess this isn't really an ode. It's more like an essay, or just me rambling. But ode sounded better.

South of Nowhere returns April 11! I know that's still a month and a half away, but The N is already marathoning the first two seasons and first half of the third season, and I'm already giddy with excitement.

Wait, you've never heard of South of Nowhere? That's probably because it airs on a teeny-tiny digital cable network called The N - an offshoot of Nickelodeon aimed at teenagers. If you have a cable box, you probably get this channel - now is the time to check it out! (Psst - they also have Saved by the Bell reruns. Not that I watch those or anything.)

South of Nowhere tells the story of the Carlin family - a beautiful, blond, Christian Midwestern family who moves to Los Angeles in search of a better career for Paula, the matriarch. Upon arriving in Los Angeles, they find all kinds of things they were never exposed to in the third world country of Ohio: gay people, black people, drugs, sex, West Hollywood, rich kids, children of celebrities, racism, gang violence, and diners owned by guys named Nat. OK, that last part isn't true, but you see where I'm going with this.

The premise was never original in any sense of the word. The brilliance of the show came when the writers took the time honored formula invented by Aaron Spelling and turned it around a bit, by making daughter Spencer's homosexuality the most shocking thing to happen to this family. In the pilot, amidst all of the chaos of her new surroundings, Spencer met Ashley, the school wild child and resident bisexual. It wasn't long before Spencer and Ashley were playing hooky at the beach, debating about the virtues of dating girls instead of boys.

During the first two seasons, when ex-sitcom writer Nancylee Myatt ran the show, South of Nowhere was an honest-to-goodness teen soap opera which, despite it's hyperbolic TV tendencies, dealt with what it's like to be a gay teenager. It was refreshing to watch, if only to marvel at the fact that a show about teenagers exists where the central on again, off again love story revolves around a lesbian relationship. Granted, the other characters were ordinary teen soap archetypes - Glenn, the drug addicted older brother; Clay, the adopted kid searching for his birth mom; Aiden, the confused ex boyfriend. Even so, the show was hugely addictive, and teen soap opera lovers such as myself could revel in all of the debauchery, while still shaking our heads in amazement when Spencer chose Ashley over Aiden.

However, in season three, once Ms. Myatt exited the scene, it seems as though the powers that be over at The N hired some ex-90210 writers to take over and turn the show into... 90210. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, it's just... ordinary. When watching the current third season compared with the first two, the behind the scenes writing coup is obvious. Gone are Myatt's subtle commentaries on teenage culture, not to mention three dimensional characters and teenagers who actually act like teenagers. The beginning of the third season saw changes that make it look more and more like it's predecessor: Clay is gone (he died in a gang shooting), but his ex girlfriend is now pregnant with his baby while lusting after Glenn. Ashley and her long lost half sister Kyla now have 25 million dollars of inheritance money, and no longer attend school. Aiden has now slept with every single girl on the show, and is in therapy for PTSD following the gang shooting. Madison is a cheerleader and annoys everybody with her scenery chewing.

But surprisingly, despite the insipidities of the rest of the characters, and despite television's usual tendency to only turn characters gay for one episode, the new regime has managed to keep one thing intact: Spencer is, in fact, still gay, and despite her sometimes bad judgment when it comes to dating, she remains a watchable and relatable teenager struggling with her sexuality. A particularly moving and insightful moment came right before the season 3 hiatus, when Spencer, with the help of then ex-girlfriend Ashley, took both of her parents with her to Pride. Including her homophobic mother. Moments and storyline like that are what keep me watching this show.


The first half of season 3 aired during the summer of 2007, and I have no idea what's in store for the second half. Will Ashley finally settle down and stay true to Spencer, despite her lingering feelings for Aidan? Will Spencer finally come to her senses and find a girlfriend who's actually gay? Will Madison get killed in some kind of freak accident (hopefully)? Will Spencer and Ashley actually get to kiss for more than a split second before the scene fades out? I can't wait to find out!

My new strategy for watching South of Nowhere involves Tivo-ing the episode, and then fast forwarding through anything that doesn't involve Spencer or her parents. This usually reduces the episodes to about 10 minutes... but that's OK. It gives me more time to watch The L Word, or Coyote Ugly for the 417th time on basic cable.

"27 Dresses"

I saw "27 Dresses" on Friday... for free, which might have something to do with my opinion, but nonetheless... I liked it. A lot.

Katherine Heigl was charming as the slightly crazed, over the top, wedding obsessed perpetual bridesmaid. Most of the film was predictable romantic comedy fodder that we've seen a hundred times before. But so what? As I said in my earlier thoughts, the repetition and dependability are part of what I like about romantic comedies. You can go to a movie and know that someone, somehow, is going to either fall in love, or get over that love that they've been moping about. Either way, it's dependable, and if the writers are smart, it works.

"27 Dresses" was a charming movie that wasn't sexist, homophobic, or elitist. That's really all I ask for these days. Aside from that, though, the dialogue was actually funny, the characters relatively well defined, and aside from Heigl's floral shirts, the clothing was great. The plot is similar to "My Best Friend's Wedding," "The Object of my Affection" and a bunch of other movies - Heigl's character can't find love, friendship, or true happiness until she learns to let go of an unrequited crush and think for herself for once. I have to say that I really liked this plot device. Granted, the ending is cheesy and expected, but I liked the overall character arc.

Judy Greer was great (as always) as the snarky best friend, Edward Burns was, well, Edward Burns, and James Marsden looked like he needed a shower.